The car park at noon on Friday resembled a care-in-the-community outing as the touring party of 21 plus G, Crazy Graham and Judge Watkins assembled for the outward journey. Unfortunately departure was delayed because firstly Graham got stuck on the A30 and secondly all of the bags had to be inspected for illicit alcohol. The following was confiscated:

• 360 cans of Carlsberg Special
• 280 cans of Guinness
• 450 bottles of WKD
• 24 litres of Scotch Whiskey
• 225 bottles of wine
• 1 bottle of lemonade

The lengthy delay was mostly because G, Crazy Graham and judge Watkins couldn't work out what the lads were going to do with all that lemonade. With the booze confiscated the tourists were then duly reminded of their responsibilities as ambassadors of the the club, the town and Cornwall at a major international rugby tournament. The lecture left the boys suitably chastened and a foul aroma in the minibuses.

Just before departure skipper Tchad Collins asked if we could travel via Bristol because the services there had a KFC. If brains were dynamite........... About an hour into the 5 hour trip Shep committed his second offence of the day by flashing a full moon during an overtaking manouvre. To make matters worse only Tchad recognised the one-eyed brown monster. Both were to be suitably punished the following day. If you would like to see photographic evidence of Matt's butt .

Bognor Regis and Butlins arrived after two stops at services where Tchad and the Fudgeman topped up with a dozen burgers each. Fudge was to be fined the following day for not actually stopping eating at any time. Butlins is a bit like a Camp X-Ray with slot machines but the intrepid tourists did not seem the slightest bit concerned as they set off to eat some more and chase anything in a skirt.

It was only when most had spent all of their money on the slots and failed miserably to pull anything, that they returned to the luxury accommodation late in the evening. It was then, after only a few hours on site, the boys received their first and second warnings from security (they only give three) The first was for Craig and Snoggett spraying the whole place with foam. The second was for waking the neighbours at 3.30 in the morning when Luke decided to share his packet of Ginger Nuts.

The Court. Saturday morning arrived too early for most as the first court session was scheduled for 11 o'clock. With Justice Lord Watkins residing the accused knew that the very highest standards of British justice would be adhered to. All of the defendants had their charges read, the prosecution made the case and some were naive enough to try and defend themselves. The charges and punishments were as follows:

Pepe Lepugh	Cornish Pirate	Justice Lord Watkins of Camp X-ray

The Tournament. The boys arrived at Bognor RFC to discover that their pool had been reduced to 3 teams due to late cancellations. They were to meet Worthing in the first game - a very big side who are Sussex champions and who fielded no less than 5 county players. Nonetheless Saints started very well and their superior speed and aggression in the tackle area gave them early territorial advantage. Unfortunately things went wrong when Saints lost Luke Wright and the influential Tom Cotton to injury.

A solo effort by the Worthing fly-half opened the scoring and Saints conceded two more due to poor first up tackling. It was, however, a game where the boys showed glimpses of what they were capable of.

In the second game Saints came up against another squad of players who obviously sleep in a greenhouse and struggled up to get out of their own half for the first 10 minutes. An error behind the try line gifted Bognor a try. From then on it was all Saints with the powerful front row combination of Brewer, Fudgie and Woodcock shoving their bigger opponents backwards at every scrum. This gave room for the maurading back-row of Jack, Joel and Billy to run and create space for the backs. From one move skipper Tchad Collins sprinted in for the first of his four tries, but time ran out before the Saints could score again. Five all.

Fudgie pulls.....

It was in between the games that the errant Fudgemeister used his suave sophistication and charm to pull one of Bognor’s favourite daughter’s. The innocent young girl was sitting reading her (Braille edition) of Slimming Magazine when the Fudgeman slipped her Labrador one of his famous Tregonissey pasties (he had 24 in his kit-bag.) Before anyone knew it, Fudge was chatting away gaily, in words of one syllable, to the innocent young lass and love was in the air.

Fudgie became very excited (to see how excited ) at the prospect of this lovely young damsel giving up her darkest secrets and so he arranged to meet her that evening at KFC (where else?) While there, Fudgie was to charm her with his ability to eat six family buckets of chicken. He even gave the young damsel his new training top to remember him by. She gave him Chlamydia in return.

When asked later what he saw in her, Fudgie offered a typically honest assessment – “She’s got bigger tits than me,” he replied, with a glint in his eye.

After their success on the Saturday the intrepid tourists went out in the evening to paint the town (and Butlins) a mild shade of pink.

Before that however, there was the small matter of the court’s punishment to be administered. Justice Lord Watkins of camp X-ray had decreed that the guilty parties should have to perform a rendition of ring-a-ring-a-roses. What he neglected to mention was that it was to be performed in the sea. Needless to say the boys took their punishment like real men – except Shep who whinged and Tchad and Tabby who at first refused and only accepted the punishment on the threat of even more. Judging from this picture of Shep getting changed, the water must have been very cold....

Unaccustomed as the boys were to the evils of drink most spent the evening revelling instead in the evils of shoot-em-up games. Butlins entertainment consisted of a disco and a Madness tribute band. They had to finish after 25 minutes because their drummer was ill, but not before Lewis and Tabby had regaled the large crowd with a short exhibition of how (not) to dance.

The 10 o’clock bedtime curfew was to be observed with a religious zeal – unfortunately all the lads were heathens and most thought that 10 meant the following morning.

Sunday - the Cup......Snoggitt falls in love.....

The tournament arrived and the boys were to meet Cranleigh from East Sussex in their first game. Despite having props the size of Phil Vickery they simply could not move the Saints scrummage with Richard Brewer outstanding. Saints mobile forwards won the lions share of possession, only for the Saints backs to repeatedly kicked possession away needlessly when moving the ball was needed. It wasn’t till the second half that the boys moved the ball through hand, allowing skipper Tchad to score two tries for a hard-earned win.

Cranleigh lost to hosts Bognor by 20 points in the next game to set up a final between the hosts and the Saints.

The home side fielded 4 or 5 over age players and their bigger forwards managed to keep the ball for the first 10 minutes of the game. Then with almost his first clean possession Saints in-form fly-half Luke Wright worked his magic. From just outside his own 22 he took off straight across the field, worked two dummy scissors with Craig and then Snoggitt, which stopped the opposition defenders like rabbits trapped in headlights. Having made the space, Luke simply popped the ball to a flying Tchad who burst into the line from full-back. Tchad handed off his opposite number and then opened his legs to show his class – scorching in from 70 metres out for the first score. The only person to get near him was speedy supporting winger Jake Barron.

Saints had the upper hand now and could have scored on at least three more occasions were it not for some desperate defence from the home side. Late in the second half Craig Watkins sealed the victory when he split the opposition centres and scuttled in from 20 metres out.

Although the backs grabbed all the points the victory was built on some excellent forward play with every member of the squad having a fine tournament. The lifting of the cup was followed by a rousing rendition of “We are St Austell” and a swift shandy in the bar afterwards. It was only when Judge Watkins came to present the trophies in the bar that it was noted that Snoggitt (and Craig) had wandered off into the sunset with another of Bognor’s favourite daughters. The poor deluded girl! Snoggitt was only retrieved after Fudgie managed to photograph the wandering centre’s new found love interest......

Next year France.........................look out!!!