A Woman did not come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

On Friendship between Men:

A man did not come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that yes, he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

Temptation

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, and wore tight mini-skirts and low-cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate.

She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day, little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome - and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it, just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door, stepped out of the house, and walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of the story is... .............
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Always keep your condoms in your car.

Some Tommy Cooper Humour

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off."

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank. Proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."..."That sounds like the Tom Jones syndrome."... "Is it common?"..."It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed,is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No. Because he's really heavy."

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside. How's that?"..."Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!

16.What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, "Can you give me a lift?" I said, "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, so go for it."

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round."

"The other one says, "So are you, you fat arse!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21.You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking Fine." So that was nice.

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."

Driving Test Question

You are driving along a two lane road with a no passing sign posted, then you come upon a bicycle rider. Do you follow this slow moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles or do you break the law and pass?
You make the choice.

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